


Closure Is The Most Precious Thing

by Kiddi



Series: Unattainable Dreams [2]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Catholic Character, Catholicism, Closure, Dream Pack (Raven Cycle), Dream Pack Ronan Lynch, Everyone Needs A Hug, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hugs, I'm Bad At Tagging, Joseph Kavinsky's Death, Kissing, Melancholy, Minor Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch, Nice Joseph Kavinsky, Not Canon Compliant, Reconciliation, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, Ronan Lynch-centric, Soft Joseph Kavinsky, Soft Ronan Lynch, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt, The Dream Thieves Spoilers, Wakes & Funerals, does this count as that?, dont get excited, i tagged all these characters but theyre only mentioned, i wanted to explore him and his religion, its gonna be sad, its ronan, look this is a warning, ronan lynch apologizes, this is dreampack and ronan lynch hours laadies and gents, this sits in between, youll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiddi/pseuds/Kiddi
Summary: Joseph Kavinsky was dead.Ronan Lynch was mourning, a feeling he hasn't felt since the death of Niall Lynch.Ronan Lynch wants closure.Ronan Lynch wants to apologize.Sometimes, the powers that be align and decide to play nice.Ronan Lynch gets closure.Ronan Lynch gives closure.part 2 of the unattainable dream series
Relationships: Jiang/Joseph Kavinsky/Prokopenko/Skov/Swan, Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch
Series: Unattainable Dreams [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987837
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Closure Is The Most Precious Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back on my bullshit.
> 
> I was chatting with the lovely [dreamthievespart17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamthievespart17) and they gave me most wonderful idea for a mourning fic. They mentioned how odd it was that Ronan never mourned and I decided that we couldn't have any of that and here we are. We know next to nothing about the Dream Pack so I made them a close knit family who actually care for each other, if I made them too soft, fight me.
> 
> I was also crawling through the tags on tumblr and stumbled across some art that inspired [Ronan's Suit](https://xla-hainex.tumblr.com/post/170457461576/just-realized-how-i-missed-ronan%22) and [how the dream pack look](https://xla-hainex.tumblr.com/post/172488388073/kavinsky-and-his-pack-of-dogs-skov-swan-jiang)
> 
> This doesn't cover any heavy topics thankfully but it is part of a series, so please read part one before you read this because one part will make no sense what's so ever.

The days after the fourth of July were strange, not only because of the fight between the dream creatures, that was something very strange and did help Ronan to get some self acceptance, but that wasn't what had thrown him into a strange loop of confusing emotions he hadn't felt in years.

He was mourning.

That much was a fact, the weird feelings were the same he felt when his father had died, and they were the feelings he felt for a long while after.

Joseph Kavinsky was dead. 

He just ended it, decided that enough was enough for him and let his own dream creature kill him, he let a part of him kill him. 

There was an uncomfortable gnawing feeling in his chest that left Ronan sleepless for nights on end, normally he would withdraw and normally he would turn to drugs and alcohol...and to Kavinsky to help dull his pain but now those weren't options for him anymore, not because he was a better person, no he was still the knife sharp boy he was, but because those activities only served as a reminder of the person he lost, of the friend he _ killed.  _

Ronan was not going to fall into that again, but he also couldn't live with the guilt in his chest that this was his fault.

He grabbed his phone from the night stand and read the time, 9:30pm, it was still early and Gansey was somewhere in Monmouth, so Ronan sat up from his bed, grabbed his keys, phone, and jacket then left his room determined on where he was going to go.

The BMW was cold from the night air and it served to help cool off the burning in his hands and the rush of thought in his head.

St. Agnes was still lit up at the late hour and he gave a soft sigh, both of relief and that he would have to follow through with his plan.

Ronan shut off the engine and stepped out into the night, allowing himself a moment to truly think over if this is what he wanted to do tonight, sadly yes it was, so he stepped forward and entered the church, startling the preacher.

“Ronan, what a surprise to see you.” He smiled kindly.

“Good evening, Father.” He said with a nod to his head and walked over to him, sitting down in the pews at the front of the church.

“Why are you here, Ronan?” He asked in that soft and gentle way someone asked when they already knew what you needed and they just wanted to make sure they're right. It was comforting that he didn't have to ask first.

“I need some advice.”

The priest nodded and sat down next to Ronan, they didn't look at each other, just stared ahead at the altar.

“Someone died a few days ago.”

“Were you close with them?”

Was he? Was he close to Kavinsky?    
“We were something, but we weren’t strangers.” 

The priest nodded and stayed silent for a moment before speaking again. “Did they consider you a friend?” 

Ronan dropped his gaze to his hands and nodded, shoulders dropping a bit at the admission. “Yes.”

“Do you feel guilty for their death?”

“Yes.”

“The most straight forward advice I can give is for you to go to his funeral, say your peace with his spirit, with his other friends, give yourself the closure you need and then pray for him, pray for his soul and pray for forgiveness of the actions you think caused his death.”

The words hung heavy between them and they twisted something deep in Ronan’s chest that reminded him of the sound the night horrors claws made as they tore through his skin and veins, it was a wet and heavy churning, but he knew that the priest was right.

“Thank you Father.”

“That is what I’m here for Ronan, if you still want to settle something inside you, the act of contrition might prove helpful.” he said and pat his shoulder gently, standing up and walking away before pausing at the doorway to the offices and backdoors.

“I’m going to turn out the light, the front doors are still open, have a good night Ronan.” 

Ronan’s head shot up and locked eyes with the priest, he had a knowing look in them and all at once Ronan knew that he was seen that first night he took chainsaw out of his dreams. 

“Thank you, Father.”

With a small nod he disappeared and not two seconds later the lights shut off, leaving the church bathed in the cold light of the moon, making the space feel lonelier and safer all at once.

Ronan pulled down the kneeling bench in front of him, dropped to his knees and quietly started praying.

_ Deus meus, ex toto corde poenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum,  _

_ Eaque detestor, quia peccando,  _

_ Non solum poenas a Te iuste statutas promeritus sum,  _

_ Sed praesertim quia offendi Te, summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris.  _

_ Ideo firmiter propono, adiuvante gratia Tua,  _

_ De cetero me non peccaturum peccandique occasiones proximas fugiturum.  _

_ Amen. _

He finished and stayed there for a few seconds longer, basking in the dull ringing of his words in the chamber, the Latin prayers, he found, tended to linger longer than the English ones did, the Latin always felt like they held more importance, like they weren’t just for God, but that they were for him  _ and  _ God, a private conversation. 

Ronan stood up and made his way out of the church, the sun had long set and the amber glow of the streetlight made him pause, Ronan was hit with such a profound sadness as he left the church that it physically hurt him, there was a sudden sense of loneliness a sense of emptiness he hadn't felt since his father died.

Ronan took a steadying breath and made his way to the car.

The drive back to Monmouth was spent with Ronan’s body on autopilot and his mind twisting and turning over everything he needed to do, there was so much stuff going on behind his head he could almost feel the thoughts bouncing off his skull and colliding into each other.

Once he got back, Gansey was still awake and shot him a concerned glance as he passed by, Ronan wanted to be alone, Ronan wanted to be with someone, Ronan didn't want to feel the weight of his sins on his head like a leaded crown anymore.

He changed out of his clothes and hopped into the shower, hoping that cold water would numb down his skin and that the ice would help dull the thoughts in his head.

That night Ronan did not sleep easy, he needed things from his dreams but his head was not making it easy to get them, startling him awake every time he managed to grab one of the things he needed; by the time he finished and drifted off into one final attempt of sleep he saw him.

Joseph Kavinsky was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a large oak tree in Cabeswater, he was staring off into the distance, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Ronan could see it light up red every time he inhaled but the cigarette never burned down, he idly wondered if that was one of Kavinsky’s dreams or one of his.

“Enjoying the view?”   
Kavinsky looked over at him and gave him a soft smile, it was relaxed and carefree.

Ronan joined him under the tree and sat himself down next to him, sitting close, thighs pressed together. Kavinsky wrapped an arm around Ronan and held him closer, Ronan wanted to say something but relaxed against him anyways.

“Missed you, gotta say though dying is not as boring as I thought.” He chuckled and offered Ronan a drag from the cigarette.

Ronan leaned forward and took a short drag from it before leaning back.

“I gotta say, not the worst place to end up when you die, better than hell.”

Kavinsky laughed out and shook his head. 

“What I wasn't gonna get into heaven, doll?” 

Ronan rolled his eyes and looked up at him. He looked perfectly real, he felt real, he sounded real.

“I can't stay for long, a night or two more I think, then I’ll just be wandering the forest like a crazy person.” 

Cabeswater was being nice, it was giving him closure, Ronan thanked it, a soft breeze blew through the trees as a response.

“Can't be the worst thing in the world, you can do whatever you want now.”

Kavinsky nodded and stubbed out the cigarette on a rock next to him before shifting his attention back to Ronan, something flickered in his eyes, sadness and want swirling together like the waves of an ocean.

“The thing I want is something I can’t have, it doesn't belong to me, never did, I was stupid to think it would be.”

Suddenly Ronan understood, everything all at once clicked into place like a neat little puzzle. Kavinsky was right, he wasn't his, but they could have been friends, they could have been something close to what Kavinsky wanted.

“Don't say it, Ro, it was all or nothing for me, my time was up anyways.” 

Ronan shook his head and stared up at Kavinsky with wide eyes, opening his mouth to try and say something but nothing would come out, he just gaped at him.

“I lived my life on borrowed time, this was well overdue.” 

Ronan sighed softly and dropped his head onto Joseph’s shoulder and was hugged tighter, tucked perfectly into his body.

Ronan breathed in and sighed as the mixture of Gasoline, cigarette smoke, car exhaust, and alcohol. It was something so deeply Joseph that it hurt him to have to smell it again.

“Look at me, doll.” 

Ronan looked up at him and smiled softly when lips pressed into his. Ronan kissed him back and shifted slightly, sliding his arms around Joseph's neck. Joseph pulled him closer and he settled into the boys lap, pulling away and pressing their forehead together.

“Thanks for the final kiss goodbye.”

Ronan smiled softly and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“No need to thank me, K.” He muttered softly and ran a hand through his hair softly, allowing himself to be vulnerable for a little bit longer. 

“Time to wake up, Ro.” Joseph muttered softly.

Ronan sighed and nodded. “Will I see you again?”

“Not sure, but this was nice, tell Dick no hard feelings and make sure my boys are doing okay.” 

Ronan nodded and closed his eyes when Kavinsky kissed his forehead. When Ronan opened his eyes again, he was staring up at the tall ceilings of Monmouth Manufacturing.

It was the morning of the funeral and Ronan was set to go, he’d gotten his suit pressed and everything.

Gansey knew where he was going to be today, same with Adam. Gansey didn't entirely approve of him attending the funeral but he also knew that Ronan had known Joseph for years and that he didn't hate him so Ronan knew that Gansey wouldn't hold it against him. Adam didn't much care for where he was going, he was aware that he had a past with Joseph and he understood the need for closure. 

Ronan got dressed slowly, taking care to not wrinkle or crease it as he did. Ronan slipped the tie around his neck and tied it with careful hands and gave a small huff and shook his head, look at him, wearing a tie properly. Normally it would feel like it was strangling him which is why he never once wore his Aglionby tie properly but this felt different, this  _ was  _ different. Ronan adjusted his tie and took the cross tie pin from the desk behind him, fastened it securely at the base of the knot and then grabbed his suit jacket, adjusting it on him as he fiddled with the sleeves, he pinned a silver raven to the lapel, a reminder of who he was, a reminder that he was a raven, harbinger of death.

Ronan looked at himself in the mirror and was comforted by his reflection, he liked how he looked in black, it warned everyone that he had sharp edges they needed to stay far away from, but in his suit, with his father’s tie pin he looked like he was set to be taking souls to the grave, he looked like death. 

Ronan took a deep breath and pocketed his keys and phone, then he turned to his desk again and stared at the rosary delicately laying on it, he considered it for a moment then grabbed it, as well as a small black bag laying next to it.

Ronan left his room and felt all eyes snap to him. The whole group was there, Gansey, Adam, Blue and Noah.

“You're leaving?” Gansey asked him, turning from his papers, pushing up his wireframes.

Ronan nodded and gave a quick glance to Noah who looked at him with curious eyes, Adam who watched him with a very much not Adam like expression, and then to Blue who looked a little lost.

“Where are you going?” 

“Kavinsky’s funeral.” He stated simply, trying his best to keep any betraying emotion from his tone.

Blue nodded and gave him one last once over before turning away to the others, going back to what they were doing. Ronan regarded them for a bit longer before he turned and left for his car.

He wasn't upset that the others weren't coming, he was kind of glad, in a way, because it meant that he could make his peace without having to worry about his friends' interactions with the others in Joseph’s group.

Ronan set the bag carefully on the passenger seat along with his suit jacket, minding anything that could crease it. 

This is the first time you've ever been careful with your things, he thought. It was the first time he was being careful but this time it was different, this time he cared that this was his fault, this time he wanted to make peace, this time he wanted to say a proper goodbye. 

The drive to St. Agnes’ was short and occupied with silence as he let his thoughts take their turns running laps in his head instead of drowning them out with heavy electronica.

The church wasn’t very full when he arrived, but he didn't really expect it to be, there was Joseph’s group, all dressed to the nines, his mother was there, and a collection of some other people that must have been his friends from out of town, a dull pleasant feeling ran through Ronan at seeing people actually show up to the funeral.  l

Most of the attendees didn't pay him much mind but he drew the attention of the three remaining in Joseph’s group.

“What are you doing here, Lynch?” Jiang sneered at him, Ronan didn't bother to be angry,

“Saying goodbye.” He said evenly and quietly. They were expecting anger and the lack of it left the three boys a bit lost for words.

“You're not fuckign with us are you, Lynch?” Swan squinted at him, really he had always been the most accepting in their little group, Ronan knew that if Swan accepted his answer then the others would as well.

“Don't swear in a church,” he reprimanded lightly, “and no, I’m not.” 

Swan nodded and stepped aside, making room for Ronan in their group. Everyone looked at him a little funny but no one commented on it and Ronan took the spot that was offered to him.

They spent the rest of the indoor service standing together, listening to the priest as he said his speeches and leading them all in prayers. All three of the members said their eulogies for their friend and Ronan stood by watching them in silent atonement. He was glad that he decided to wear his father’s tie pin and bring along his mother’s rosary, it felt like having them with him, it made him feel a little more at ease because it did feel like there was someone else there to share the burden of his grief. 

They moved outdoors for the burial and Ronan saw that they were burying Joseph next to Prokopenko, the real one possibly, but even if it was the dream version it didn't matter much either way, Joseph was close to both versions of him so it was a fitting way to bury him.

The outdoor service was more of the same, more prayer, some songs and then the lowering of the casket. As Joseph was being lowered Ronan allowed himself to think back to his body when he last saw it inside the church; he looked so at peace and almost happy, like he was finally getting a proper sleep. A sleep with no dreams to haunt you. 

Rona hung back after the other attendees started leaving and he went to his car and grabbed the bag in the passenger seat. He walked back over to the small little group standing silently around the new headstone, all holding hands, Swan and Jiang had dried tears on their cheeks, Skov was holding strong but barely.

“Can we talk?”

They all turned and considered him for a moment before Jiang nodded.

“He meant a lot to all of you, and you meant a lot to him as well, you all kept him from falling too far down.” He paused when he heard a sniffle and flicked his eyes to Skov who was blinking away tears. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.” 

There was silence around them, the only sound was the too happy chirping of birds in the rare cool summer morning.

Swan smiled softly at Ronan and wiped away a few tears, Ronan watched as the breeze gently tousled his blonde hair, in the light he could see how he got his namesake. “Wow, never thought I would live to see Ronan lynch apologize.” He joked with a small chuckle.

Ronan offered him a small smile and reached into the bag, pulling out small black boxes handing them to the boys.

“What's this?” Skov asked, his voice was wrecked from holding back tears and his caramel coloured skin was tinged red around the nose and cheeks.

“They're rosary bracelets, this isn't technically what they're meant for but think of it as a peace offering, my father once told me that whenever he missed his father he would feel a tug on them, said it was his spirit telling him that he was still around,” Ronan paused and raised a hand to the tie pin gently before speaking again. “Not sure how true it is but he seemed convinced.” He said and turned his gaze to the headstone beside them. “K, loved you all enough to do that for you, if he doesn't then he might just slap you upside the head.”

Ronan stood in silence and watched as the three of them gently took the bracelets and put them on, toying with the crosses on them before Swan stepped up to him and pulled Ronan into a tight hug. Ronan carefully wrapped his arms around the boy and squeezed him tight. 

“Thank you, Ronan.” 

Ronan nodded and pulled away, looking slightly up at him, he looked so much like Matthew in the moment, same blonde hair and the same crystal blue eyes; Ronan reached up and wiped a stray tear from his eye. 

“Remember when , K, gave you those bands?”

All heads snapped to Jiang, who was now facing the headstone. He didn't wait for anyone to acknowledge that he was heard before he continued. “He woke up with them, they were all over his chest, I saw them when I came into his room in the morning, and all I remember thinking was  _ why him? Why Ronan Lynch, the one person who you know you can't have?”  _ There was a bitter tone to his voice as he spoke, but his shoulders slumped and Ronan saw him raise the hand with the bracelet on. “I never saw what it was he liked about you, I never understood what was so interesting about you that he didn't see in us…” He broke off. 

Skov took over for him. “We were angry that you could make him pay attention to only you, he even took his eyes off Proko for once and we all know that he was K’s favourite.” 

Then Swan finished. “We hated you because you were the one person outside the group that could get through to, K, and we all knew you had to do with his death… but we forgive you.” 

Ronan’s head snapped to Swan so quick he was shocked that he didn't break his neck.

“You didn't know, and you did actually try to get him to snap out of it, he was just too stubborn to see it.” Skov added.

Jiang walked over to him and stood there just staring at Ronan for a second before hugging him, it wasn't the same as Swan’s hug, which was like Matthews, soft and full of emotion, this one was tight and fierce, it was like how his Father hugged him, it was protective, and finally Skov stepped up to him and also hugged him, his hug was like his mothers hugs, it was born from a place of wanting to comfort and wanting to help heal.

They all pulled away and Skov spoke up. “You’re always welcome.” He said with finality.

The others nodded and then turned to leave.

_ You're always welcome.  _ The words echoed in Ronan’s head, he was always welcome to join them, he was always welcome to go to them, he was welcomed to grieve. 

Ronan turned to the two headstones and reached into the bag. He took out two bracelets and set them carefully atop the headstones, one for each boy. “They're well taken care of, they got each other and you have Proko.”

Ronan stared at the headstone for a second more and sighed softly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m gonna miss you Joseph.” He said and turned around, walking away.

As he walked to his car a warm breeze blew by and Ronan caught the smell of gasoline and cigarette smoke, he smiled and looked back over to the graveyard before getting in his car, starting it up and revving the engine a few times just for him before heading back to Monmouth.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hello! you made it to the end, I'm sorry 
> 
> I recently got a message from a friend of mine that someone had gotten confused on the author so if you wanna come scream at me you can do so [on tumblr! ](https://big-heccin-concern.tumblr.com/)


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